The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
