I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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