I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
