Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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