im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
