I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
