ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
