You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
