I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
