I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
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