she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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