dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
