I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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