The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
