I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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