final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
