my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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