margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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