i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
