My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
