I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
