everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
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Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
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I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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