I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
