Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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