I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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