there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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