It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
40s are totally the cure
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
