i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
