she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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