I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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