On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
