Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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