the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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