A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
