I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
