i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
