im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
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I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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