The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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