This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
