That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
