we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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