Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.