dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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