so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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