it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
