SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize