woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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