Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need to calm my uterus...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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