I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
