My sheets look like a crime scene.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
