I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
