I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
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I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
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I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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