The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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