Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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