Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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