Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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