he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
