the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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