My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Randomize
