this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
