I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
